I just scrapped a rather scathing piece brought on by a friend telling me her parents had disowned her after telling them she was transitioning from their son to their daughter. But before I hit the "publish" button, I received a link to a 16 minute video on YouTube titled "Validation." I decided to write instead to those that have been abandoned by their loved ones.
I want you to know that you are a beautiful person and I love you. I don't love you because you can do something for me, although you give me more than I can express, I love you because my God loves me. He loves me simply because I am, no matter what I am and he does not require I love him back. Thus I love you the same way.
I love you because you are remarkably strong, so much stronger than others. You endured a raging battle in your inner self for years, even decades, but you moved forward despite the lack of victory. You cried silently night after night for fear that if you told, you would be thrown away. In the morning you dried your tears alone and began again.
You have a beautiful smile, a "truth" smile that can only come from your heart of hearts. A smile that cannot be denied because of the sweet freedom you experience today having married the image in your mind with the image in your mirror. You no longer wake up in a lie, but in the truth and that truth brings a happiness that is seen by one and all. It is your aurora of magnificence.
I love you because you know the meaning of sacrifice. Not the pitiful displays of so many, but true sacrifice of self and soul for others. In deference to others you postponed your heart's desires and even now, you defer so much of who you'd like to be out of consideration for the thoughts and hearts of those that have decided to travel with you in transition, giving them time to adjust and see you through new glasses.
I love you because you are courageous. When the time came to choose, you chose to be yourself despite the cost you would have to bear. Parents, spouses, children, relatives or friends, all who at one time or another had professed their love for you found this simple act of truth beyond that love. You wondered if even God hated you. In the face of this rejection, you walked into your new life, born again true.
I love you because you know what really matters in life. That respect and good character are much more important than what a person looks like. That love and generosity are more valuable than gender and a true friend is worth more than gold. You know that all of the Law and the Prophets are summed up by this one saying, "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you."
With all my love,
Billie
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Spousal Support - A Comment on "Where Art Thou Support for Spouse?" by Lori D
On her blog, "a T Revival," Lori D posted a note titled, "Where Art Thou Support for Spouse?" She garnered a lot of comments and I thought I would share some of my own.
I think anyone who wants support should be able to get it. Whether support for family members should come out of the Trans* community is debatable and I am not going to deal with that here. And that's because I think the need for spousal and family counseling will all but disappear as it is a need unique to older Transfolk such as I.
What need there may be for family counseling is born from the fact that when we were making life decisions in our teens and twenties there was no one there to counsel us. Thus, we made our decisions based on the configuration of our bodies, not our minds and those decisions set off a cascade of issues and unhappiness extending far beyond ourselves. It was inevitable we would need to face the truth and its repercussions, though we refused to acknowledge it until it became a matter of life or death. By that time in our lives, hurting the ones we loved the most became inevitable as well.
Thank God things are different today. Information on Gender Identity Disorder is abundant and instantly available. Organizations such as Trans Youth Family Allies and Parents, Families and Friends of Gays and Lesbians are providing education and assistance that make it easier and safer to explore, understand, find and follow one's true self. Perhaps of greater significance is the "old guard" is dying off being replaced by younger generations that do not share their judgmental phobias and hatred. The end result of all this will hopefully be better life decisions and less collateral damage.
I think if we were open and honest with each other, we would find that most "Trans* Spouses" knew a hell of a lot more about what was going on in their marriage then they were willing to admit. That they had plenty of opportunities to demonstrate that the love they had for their spouse was greater than the problem before them. But when they went looking for that love, it wasn't there, it never had been. No amount of counseling can create love, especially a love willing to sacrifice for another. When I see a couple still together after transition, I thank God, because it is a rare and beautiful thing to behold.
Take Care
Billie
I think anyone who wants support should be able to get it. Whether support for family members should come out of the Trans* community is debatable and I am not going to deal with that here. And that's because I think the need for spousal and family counseling will all but disappear as it is a need unique to older Transfolk such as I.
What need there may be for family counseling is born from the fact that when we were making life decisions in our teens and twenties there was no one there to counsel us. Thus, we made our decisions based on the configuration of our bodies, not our minds and those decisions set off a cascade of issues and unhappiness extending far beyond ourselves. It was inevitable we would need to face the truth and its repercussions, though we refused to acknowledge it until it became a matter of life or death. By that time in our lives, hurting the ones we loved the most became inevitable as well.
Thank God things are different today. Information on Gender Identity Disorder is abundant and instantly available. Organizations such as Trans Youth Family Allies and Parents, Families and Friends of Gays and Lesbians are providing education and assistance that make it easier and safer to explore, understand, find and follow one's true self. Perhaps of greater significance is the "old guard" is dying off being replaced by younger generations that do not share their judgmental phobias and hatred. The end result of all this will hopefully be better life decisions and less collateral damage.
I think if we were open and honest with each other, we would find that most "Trans* Spouses" knew a hell of a lot more about what was going on in their marriage then they were willing to admit. That they had plenty of opportunities to demonstrate that the love they had for their spouse was greater than the problem before them. But when they went looking for that love, it wasn't there, it never had been. No amount of counseling can create love, especially a love willing to sacrifice for another. When I see a couple still together after transition, I thank God, because it is a rare and beautiful thing to behold.
Take Care
Billie
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Thank You Dr. Becky
I had a routine visit with the doctor yesterday and he decided I needed to have some tests run. The first will be a colonoscopy. The doctor gave me a referral and they had an opening today for the preliminary visit.
I always feel a little apprehensive going to a new doctor; I have heard so many stories. Although it is still hard for me to believe, there is no denying that a few in the medical community are not happy to see us. I never quite know how to broach the topic that I am Trans; I even have the vain hope that I won't have to. And then there are the medical forms and all the questions; the one that always stops me dead in my tracks is, "when was your last menstrual cycle?" I leave that one blank.
The nurse practitioner came in and started going over my medical history and reviewing the forms. We went over the cancers in my family, my abdominal surgery and my medications; vitamins, low dose aspirin, acid blocker, blood pressure meds and hormones. Check, check, check. I took a deep breath, "There is one more thing that I should probably mention," I said. I took another deep breath, "I wasn't actually born a woman," I said.
The nurse didn't miss a beat. "Yes, I know," she said.
Before I could ask how in the world she knew, she continued. "The orchiectomy and the hormones were pretty much a dead giveaway."
"Duh!," I thought.
She went on, "The nice thing about your colon is that is doesn't care what gender you are. Everyone has a poop hole."
And then the world got very small. She said that a number of years ago as a young nurse, she worked for a Cardiologist that I may know and she asked if I had ever heard of Becky Allison. "Dr.Becky?" I said. "Of course" as a big smile lit up my face. "We're friends on Facebook!"
"Well, there ya go," she said. All of the sudden I felt right at home.
One never knows how you are going to touch someone's life and what fruit that touch will bear. Thank you Dr. Becky for your help today so many years ago.
Take Care,
Billie
I always feel a little apprehensive going to a new doctor; I have heard so many stories. Although it is still hard for me to believe, there is no denying that a few in the medical community are not happy to see us. I never quite know how to broach the topic that I am Trans; I even have the vain hope that I won't have to. And then there are the medical forms and all the questions; the one that always stops me dead in my tracks is, "when was your last menstrual cycle?" I leave that one blank.
The nurse practitioner came in and started going over my medical history and reviewing the forms. We went over the cancers in my family, my abdominal surgery and my medications; vitamins, low dose aspirin, acid blocker, blood pressure meds and hormones. Check, check, check. I took a deep breath, "There is one more thing that I should probably mention," I said. I took another deep breath, "I wasn't actually born a woman," I said.
The nurse didn't miss a beat. "Yes, I know," she said.
Before I could ask how in the world she knew, she continued. "The orchiectomy and the hormones were pretty much a dead giveaway."
"Duh!," I thought.
She went on, "The nice thing about your colon is that is doesn't care what gender you are. Everyone has a poop hole."
And then the world got very small. She said that a number of years ago as a young nurse, she worked for a Cardiologist that I may know and she asked if I had ever heard of Becky Allison. "Dr.Becky?" I said. "Of course" as a big smile lit up my face. "We're friends on Facebook!"
"Well, there ya go," she said. All of the sudden I felt right at home.
One never knows how you are going to touch someone's life and what fruit that touch will bear. Thank you Dr. Becky for your help today so many years ago.
Take Care,
Billie
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Blessings
As I was getting ready to leave work tonight, I received a call from a colleague I had not spoken with for over a year. We finished our business discussion and somehow got on to my transition. We talked for over an hour as I shared history, stories and feelings. When we hung up, I was smiling; in telling my story, I was reminded just how blessed I am.
I was blessed when my sister said to me, "I finally have the big sister I've always wanted." She was the first family member I told. I was blessed when my two brothers said, "You go bro...er dude...er gal...er Sis...you know what we mean!" I was blessed when my Mother gave me a place to stay after my spouse asked me to leave. I am still staying at her place which has trapped her in Des Moines for two very bad winters. I was also blessed by my friend, a former pastor, who responded to my announcement by saying, "First, you need to know that you are and always shall be my friend."
I was particularly blessed by my three children. They didn't know it at the time, but they held within their hearts the power to stop me in my tracks. Now that I was out, the consequences of not transitioning were too dark to contemplate. But the consequences of never seeing my children again were darker still. Thankfully, that was a choice I never faced. All three said the same thing, "Do what you need to do to be true to yourself. You will always be our Dad, we will always love you." And so they have.
My transition has had its rough spots; the divorce was hard, some of my pre-Trans friends have not spoken to me since I came out and I have endured some complications from transition related surgery. Still, the surgery has healed and I am reconnecting with other old friends that despite being stunned by my announcement, are managing to put that behind them even if they don't fully understand what I am doing.
The trials are not over, but neither are the blessings. The trials don't last, the blessings do; especially the blessing of waking up every morning as Billie.
Take Care,
Billie
I was blessed when my sister said to me, "I finally have the big sister I've always wanted." She was the first family member I told. I was blessed when my two brothers said, "You go bro...er dude...er gal...er Sis...you know what we mean!" I was blessed when my Mother gave me a place to stay after my spouse asked me to leave. I am still staying at her place which has trapped her in Des Moines for two very bad winters. I was also blessed by my friend, a former pastor, who responded to my announcement by saying, "First, you need to know that you are and always shall be my friend."
I was particularly blessed by my three children. They didn't know it at the time, but they held within their hearts the power to stop me in my tracks. Now that I was out, the consequences of not transitioning were too dark to contemplate. But the consequences of never seeing my children again were darker still. Thankfully, that was a choice I never faced. All three said the same thing, "Do what you need to do to be true to yourself. You will always be our Dad, we will always love you." And so they have.
My transition has had its rough spots; the divorce was hard, some of my pre-Trans friends have not spoken to me since I came out and I have endured some complications from transition related surgery. Still, the surgery has healed and I am reconnecting with other old friends that despite being stunned by my announcement, are managing to put that behind them even if they don't fully understand what I am doing.
The trials are not over, but neither are the blessings. The trials don't last, the blessings do; especially the blessing of waking up every morning as Billie.
Take Care,
Billie
Sunday, July 12, 2009
A New Rainbow
I imagine almost everyone has seen a rainbow. Its beauty is obvious. Most of us know that a rainbow is caused when raindrops, acting as a prism, break down the white light of the sun into its "spectrum" of colors. I had to look up how many colors are in that spectrum. It turns out there are seven colors, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet. That's also the order in which the colors appear in a rainbow from the outer arc to the inner arc, determined by their individual wavelength.Last Saturday night I saw something I had never seen before; it was a new rainbow, one with well over a dozen colors in its spectrum; and I understand there are far more colors that were simply not visible that night. This night, illumination was not from the sun, but from the lamps inside a hotel conference room and the "colors" were the organizations represented by over twenty participants that had gathered there for an historic meeting.
The eclectic group was called together by Mischelle De LaFreniere, whom most of you know very well. She is a significant voice in the Trans Community whose contributions are numerous. Among the organizations attending were Arizona TransAlliance, TransMentors International, TransEquality Arizona, Equality Arizona, Transgender Harmony, This is H.O.W., M-Spectrum, Southern Arizona Gender Alliance, Central Arizona Gender Alliance and TransYouth Family Allies. There were more, but I couldn't write fast enough to get them all down on paper. I have never known this many different Trans organizations to be in the same room together, except at a major conference. I figured there would be a lot of energy, but would it be smoke or fire?
It was fire! After our discussion leaders finished walking us through some exercises, we saw that the diversity of our various missions and directions was a tremendous strength. We realized that working on different pieces of the challenges before the Trans Community was efficient and we did not always have to agree on methods or mission to be effective. We agreed that the other groups represented were not competitors, were not to be feared, but instead complimented our work allowing each group to focus on a particular challenge instead of many.
Of almost greater importance was the realization that together, we have significant resources at our disposal, resources that could be shared and thus provide an exponential benefit to the Community. Whether that sharing is the knowledge of a sale on paper or a recent legal brief on Trans marriages, we could be much stronger, more efficient and far more valuable to the Trans Community simply by sharing our knowledge, research, experience and expertise with one another. As the meeting closed, the group was beginning to work on the mechanics of how to implement this break through concept.
Of almost greater importance was the realization that together, we have significant resources at our disposal, resources that could be shared and thus provide an exponential benefit to the Community. Whether that sharing is the knowledge of a sale on paper or a recent legal brief on Trans marriages, we could be much stronger, more efficient and far more valuable to the Trans Community simply by sharing our knowledge, research, experience and expertise with one another. As the meeting closed, the group was beginning to work on the mechanics of how to implement this break through concept.
The excitement was high as we broke up to head home. Each organization was satisfied that their mission and their methods were secure, that the years of work would continue as it had. But there was a new spirit, a new knowledge, and a new understanding that these organizations would soon have a means to facilitate unprecedented cooperation, allowing them to work together whenever the situation calls for it.
Take Care,
Billie
Friday, July 10, 2009
Welcome to BJ's Building Blocks
Welcome to BJ's Building Blocks!! I hope to do a lot of things here, but primarily I want to provide a safe, positive environment where our diverse community, friends, allies and opponents can share, learn and discuss the complex issues we face today. We should be able to ask tough questions and air our differences in a non-combative setting where each participant knows their opinions, hopefully expressed with grace, are valued. We may run against the grain sometimes but I will do my best to maintain a site known for its style, grace and humor. It is my fervent prayer that items here will never become a test of fellowship, but simply provide a basis for fruitful exchange. I am certain to miss the mark on occasion, but please know I am going to do my best. For now, there is no set schedule, no set subject matter; I plan to range wide guided by my heart and sometimes my sense of humor. I am not here to change anyone, only to present one side of the story and allow you a place to present another. So relax, it is not necessary to defend yourself, but if you like, feel free to share what's on your mind.
For this inaugural post, I will share some guidelines that I would like all of us to strive for. These are a hodgepodge of my own thoughts and those gleaned from other sources. They are not rules. If these guidelines are observed, I think we can have a wonderful place that will add value to our Community and impact the world around us. So, get your blocks, grab a cookie, find a mat and let's review.
- Treat everyone with courtesy and respect. Take the high road, always.
- Remember your manners.
- Read posts carefully (listen) and don't read too much into the words.
- Ask questions, do not assume.
- Think before you write, then write what you think, then think it over, then write it over.
- Personal attacks are NEVER appropriate; not even in response to an attack. Take it offline.
- No one is all right or all wrong so season your words carefully, you may have to eat them.
- Facts are facts and can be verified.
- Everyone is entitled to their opinions and has the right to express them.
- Feelings are illogical, they just are. They may need to be explained, but never justified.
- Actions are not feelings and always require justification.
- It is OK to disagree and be friends
I welcome your comments and will actually be delighted to engage in healthy, even spirited discourse. But please, check emotions at the URL and come prepared to rationally discuss your thoughts. I relish the opportunity to learn from you, but I admit that I have no patience for ad hominem drivel or verbosity for verbosity's sake. Don't be too disappointed if I remain somewhat intractable in my thoughts. Age has a tendency to stiffen things, including my neck. In any case, I hope we can be friends.
Take Care,
Billie
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