Ours Is But To Accept

One of the great things about this trip is that I get to sit with relatives and friends and have long talks. We catch up on all that has happened in our lives since our last meeting; the successes, failures, highs, lows, family gossip and what the hell was I thinking. :) My Mother is no exception. The other day she said the most extraordinary thing to me.

First, I need to tell you a little about my Brother, Steve. I am the oldest of four kids and Steve is number two, thirteen months younger than I. We were not very close for decades. Our relationship has improved significantly over the past fifteen or so years. Even so, we are very different. It is those differences that led me to hurt his feelings; unintentionally, but significantly.

Steve is not the most tolerant person I know. Our “colorful” past and certain things in his nature caused me to conclude that Steve would not be very accepting of my situation and the subsequent decision I made to live my life, full-time as a woman.

I was wrong, very wrong and Steve was hurt that I would think he could not, would not accept my decision and continue to love me. And through my Mother, I learned just how profound my Brother’s mindset toward me actually is. Mother told me that in a conversation with Steve, where she was remarking that she just did not understand why I had chosen this path, Steve told her, “It is not for us to understand. Ours is but to accept.”

Wow!! That blew me away and I cried.

I have a blind spot when it comes to how others react to my decision. Because of this blind spot, I have sought to talk to those affected by my choice and learn exactly how it has affected their lives. To those I have hurt, I apologize and seek forgiveness. It was never my intent to cause pain.

All speak of the surprise to hear the news, but once the shock has passed, their reactions differ. Men often speak of the courage to make such a choice; women are usually sad that I had to live a life in hiding waiting for society to be more open. A few had suspicions that I was either Gay or Transgendered, a few others couldn’t put their finger on it, but knew I was unhappy. Most note that I am a better person, that I radiate happiness now, that I am far more active, social and personally involved in the community than before. They tell me that the qualities that matter remain and have been enhanced despite the change in my appearance.

Still, many do not understand and that is OK. The root of this change is, after all, a Disorder and a rare one at that. Many people will only know one or two Transgendered people in their entire life. Further, the roles of Gender are deeply engrained in everything we do. Those that are comfortable with the sex assigned to them at birth wouldn’t trade for all the tea in China. My youngest brother, Andy, watched me unload all the things I needed just to spend the night at his place, I looked like a pack mule, and remarked, “I know you HAD to do this. No one would willingly choose to be a woman and haul all this stuff around. Being a guy is much simpler.” Indeed.

Going back through the past two years, I can think of only three people that have rejected me outright. My spouse, but to be fair, she rejected me twenty years ago; and two male friends who have refused to talk to me despite apologies and attempts to engage them. As they no doubt don’t understand me, I don’t understand why they won’t talk to me. I simply chalk it up to human nature. In any case, mine is not to understand, mine is simply to accept.