It still startles me when I experience a sudden emotional rush. You know, like when you stop by the grocery store after work, just for a few things and you’re debating the value of paying $14.99 for a pair of tongs because they have pink tips and all-of-the sudden without any warning whatsoever, you burst into tears. It’s a gusher of emotion rising from your gut so fast the tears are running down your cheeks before you even know you’re crying. You barely stifle the audible wail, but there is no concealing the deep, deep sobbing.
It’s turn-toward-the-display crying while you dig through your purse for a tissue and in your mind you’re screaming wtf, wtF, WTF!! Dab a cheek, dab another cheek, blow the nose, follow-on eruption and the flow begins again. “Where in the hell is this coming from??” Digging for a dry tissue, a quick survey to see if anyone is staring. Thank God, no. “Get a hold of yourself, girl.” Dab a cheek, dab another cheek, blow the nose take a breath; another breath and then two more. You begin to move again, eyes down because you know your mascara is a mess and your eyes are all red. The search begins.
Maybe it’s because 21 years ago today my Dad died. Or that a week from Sunday it will be two years since my baby sister died. I miss them. I miss all my family.
Could it be I’m tired of watching my friends getting kicked to the curb by their “loved ones?” Or the gossip and backstabbing that goes on in the so-called “community” of Transfolk?
Could be the job; it changed recently and won’t be nearly as much fun as before. People are already saying that I am not my “old self.”
Perhaps it’s the constant battle with food. Every waking minute of every day all I do is fight the urge to eat. I’m fat, out-of-shape, fighting an infection and ragweed is in bloom. Could be.
Maybe it’s all of the above; I really don’t know. I guess you don’t need a reason to cry do you?
I can tell you this; I’m going to make a cup of tea, pull out the guitar and sing sad songs.
And have a good cry.
Anyone got a tissue?
Take Care,
Billie
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There's a lifetime's worth of these feelings you've been required to hold in for so long. They are going to leech out a bit at a time, and sometimes also in great gouts like this.
ReplyDeleteI've lost count of how many times I've found myself curled up in a quiet place tied up in wracking sobs for no apparent reason whatsoever. After the previous lifetime's alternative of feeling nothing at all, I'll take heart-on-my-sleeve any time ;)
Everyone is allowed to feel overwhelmed at times. You've already stood through so much, and gained so much; here's the Kleenex box, take your time. Hugs!