Anyone who has seen me knows I am not petite. This presents some problems in daily life, but one of the tough ones is getting an MRI. I am having trouble with a pinched nerve and need my cervical spine "magnetized." I found a place that may have a machine that can handle my weight and my girth. I notified my doctor and he faxed them over an order for the procedure.
They called me to make an appointment yesterday. There were a couple of questions; name, birth date and doctor so she could find the order.
"Ah, here it is," she said. "But they have you down as female."
"I am female," I replied politely. "Is there something there that would indicate otherwise?"
"No," she said and we proceeded to make the appointment.
It's true, I still need a lot of voice work. But the good news is, at least my doctor knows a girl when he sees one!
Take Care,
Billie
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
On Community, Leadership and Transition
Hopefully, those of you who read this know me well enough to know that what I say here reflects what I see as reality. I try very hard not to be prejudiced against anyone. I want to see all Transgendered people live the life they desire. But we do live in a free society which means we need to be considerate of our fellow citizens. As the saying goes, my freedom stops at the tip of your nose.
Within the political realm, my primary concern is the transition of those who desire to live full-time as the opposite sex. I refer to them as Transsexuals. This is probably not a surprise, since I am a Transsexual and that is my world. I think fully transitioning into the opposite sex is the hardest road, with the greater challenges. I care for others on the Transgender spectrum, but I have limited resources and have chosen to put them where I think they will do the most good.
Regarding transition, I think it is fair to say that in today’s world, those that conform to society’s expectations for gender behavior have an easier time transitioning. There are still hoops, but the more I look, sound and act like a woman, the fewer issues I will have. Society assumes I am and always have been a woman. (I will be using my MTF transition for illustration in this essay.)
However, the more male cues I give off, the more suspicious people become. They think “women don’t do that” or “women don’t sound like that” or “women don’t have beards.” Their issue with me is not necessarily Trans related, but that I have not conformed to their expectation regarding the gender I am presenting and anytime anything doesn’t conform to what we expect, our initial reaction is suspicion.
Suspicion is often the spark that ignites distrust and hatred. I fear that legislation pushing self identified gender expression will result in society being overwhelmed by all sorts of folks flying in the face of Society's gender role expectations. I fear their suspicion will then grow to the point where MY transition, quite smooth to this point, is imperiled by the slightest miscue, one that would have been overlooked before the law. Now, because there is a guy with a three day beard and hairy legs who wants to wear a dress on Wednesdays and demands to be called and treated as a woman, everyone’s transition is harder.
Maybe the law will be on my side, but what good is that on a dark street, when the police don’t help or when you don’t have money for an attorney? Even if the law is passed, there is no such thing as equal treatment under the law for citizens, why would I expect to get it as a Transwoman? There will be immeasurable pain doled out by defensive individuals upon Transfolk who are either ill prepared or lack the resources to assert the rights they have been given by this law.
The law won't change circumstances. It only gives recourse if a Transperson is mistreated. One must have the resources to take advantage of that recourse, whether that be physical, mental, spiritual or financial. I would also not be excited that my fate would rest in the hands of a judge. I have seen too many judges decide against Transfolk as an exception to the law. Sure some will benefit, but at what cost to the rest of us?
The Benjamin Standards notwithstanding, we are not the same; though I hasten to add that none is superior. Just look around the community. There are Post-Ops who consider themselves completely female, their transition over and operate within society virtually undetected and undetectable. There are those who have apparently done all they can or will do regarding their transition, live full-time as a woman, but give off several male cues, voice, hair line, or facial hair. There are those that live as both male and female because they want to, are early in their transition or don’t have a choice due to health or relationship issues. There are full-time women, who look and act like women, but are Pre-op either due to age, health or money. And there are those that pretend to be Trans because they want a relationship with a Trans woman. And this list doesn’t cover the other gender variant possibilities.
The prejudice in our own community is a reflection of the gender role expectations of the society as a whole. The occasional anomaly aside, when we’re naked, there are just two biological sexes, male and female and they have been exclusive clubs for millennia. When U.S. society thinks about this issue, they go to the locker rooms and bathrooms first thing; they want to know what is between your legs. Women don’t want penises in their locker rooms or bathrooms. Men don’t want women pretending to have a penis in their locker rooms or bathrooms. When we’re dressed and behave as expected, there are few if any issues. But give off the wrong cue and there may be trouble. A law won’t change that, at least right away, and having recourse doesn’t prevent being assaulted in the men’s room or being ostracized at work by the ladies.
Finding a solution for all Tranfolk will be hard and I am not sure I have the answer. It has to start with a leadership team. I don’t have any idea how to bring that about, except to say that I think they need to be consensus builders, not head busters. The community meeting held in July was a start, but there has been no coordinated follow-up since. As a community we need to get committed if we want to have an impact. Debates in cyberspace don’t get it done. We need to be in the real world implementing a well designed plan. As a community we are all over the place, running from one issue to another like the Keystone Cops. We need to understand what our resources are, develop goals and put together the plans to meet those goals. The plan needs to be detailed and communicated to fire up people to get involved. Most importantly, we need to make constant progress.
We also need to understand ourselves. I think the effort to call us all the same ignores the fact that we are indeed different. I understand folks like me, who are compelled to live as the opposite sex, who want to be undetectable within society’s current gender expectations and are willing to do whatever is necessary to achieve that goal. I don’t understand some of the others. In any case, we need to understand the end game for each Trans “category,” what result are they hoping to achieve and design a strategy around that. No doubt some elements of those strategies will overlap and we can take advantage of that where it occurs.
I think our long term plan has to be changing hearts and minds. In addition to the one on one work many Transfolk do, we need to do large scale education to gain sympathy, tolerance, acceptance, and love. Stuff like the Banco Provincia commercial. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wu7nKR0t5zQ Such a campaign could be used to showcase the various Trans groups to emphasize our similarities instead of our differences, demonstrating that even the hairy legged dude in a skirt is just another person.
Here is where I go way off the beaten path. Short term, I would like to see us break away from the Gay community and focus on Transsexuals, those that want to live full-time as the opposite sex. I think the standards for transition need to much harder and much more realistic. I would like to see a standardized, nationwide transition policy that TEMPORARILY protects those that decide to transition while it establishes unified procedures to facilitate the change.
I see such a policy protecting the Transperson’s job, home and assets; forbidding discrimination on the basis of transition during the transition; requiring the medical community to establish detailed education materials, certifications for staff, and detailed care instructions; requiring the Transperson to declare a “default” biological sex and confirm their desire to identify in the gender role most closely associated with that sex; requiring the individual to have an assessment of what lay ahead for them and a realistic appraisal of their ability to assimilate in their target sex; building in safeguards to ensure the person is on the correct path and is committed to whatever is necessary to make the change; have a time limit for transition to occur and provide for certified exceptions to the policy for health reasons that may prevent a “complete” sex change. At some point, the transition ends and for all intents and purposes, you are your target sex, the transition protections end and you have to make your way in the world just like everyone else.
To me, something like this embodies empowerment. There is some assistance offered, something akin to the GI Bill that helped me pay for school, but the rest is up to us. We succeed or fail based on our commitment and level of effort and if we do fail, there is no one to blame but ourselves. “Pure” empowerment comes from within, from our internal “grit” and determination. The kind of empowerment I want comes from respect for myself; a respect that drives me forward to become who I want to be.
If that respect is not there, if the commitment to change is weak, then I question whether the change should be made at all. I am not sure I want laws that protect half-assed attempts or those who lack the determination to complete the journey they started and then expect me to still treat them as if they had. Each individual needs to own their transition and go into it with their eyes open. I would argue that most of us understood the price before we started and if we did, then we have no excuse for whining when it gets hard. If someone leaped before looking and is in over their head, I am certainly there to help them through, but I don’t see the need to change the rules for them. I don’t think we have the right to curse society for a standard that we knew was there before we started our transition.
At the end of the day, each of us needs to decide if the need to transition is strong enough to do it within the current environment. Do we have the discipline to obtain the resources and train ourselves to blend in with society or do we have the thick skin necessary to stand against the insults and assaults as we go up against society’s gender expectation. In either case, we need to generate empowerment within ourselves. The law doesn't keep me safe, only I and those around me can protect me. I think it's best to have society for us, not against us.
Within the political realm, my primary concern is the transition of those who desire to live full-time as the opposite sex. I refer to them as Transsexuals. This is probably not a surprise, since I am a Transsexual and that is my world. I think fully transitioning into the opposite sex is the hardest road, with the greater challenges. I care for others on the Transgender spectrum, but I have limited resources and have chosen to put them where I think they will do the most good.
Regarding transition, I think it is fair to say that in today’s world, those that conform to society’s expectations for gender behavior have an easier time transitioning. There are still hoops, but the more I look, sound and act like a woman, the fewer issues I will have. Society assumes I am and always have been a woman. (I will be using my MTF transition for illustration in this essay.)
However, the more male cues I give off, the more suspicious people become. They think “women don’t do that” or “women don’t sound like that” or “women don’t have beards.” Their issue with me is not necessarily Trans related, but that I have not conformed to their expectation regarding the gender I am presenting and anytime anything doesn’t conform to what we expect, our initial reaction is suspicion.
Suspicion is often the spark that ignites distrust and hatred. I fear that legislation pushing self identified gender expression will result in society being overwhelmed by all sorts of folks flying in the face of Society's gender role expectations. I fear their suspicion will then grow to the point where MY transition, quite smooth to this point, is imperiled by the slightest miscue, one that would have been overlooked before the law. Now, because there is a guy with a three day beard and hairy legs who wants to wear a dress on Wednesdays and demands to be called and treated as a woman, everyone’s transition is harder.
Maybe the law will be on my side, but what good is that on a dark street, when the police don’t help or when you don’t have money for an attorney? Even if the law is passed, there is no such thing as equal treatment under the law for citizens, why would I expect to get it as a Transwoman? There will be immeasurable pain doled out by defensive individuals upon Transfolk who are either ill prepared or lack the resources to assert the rights they have been given by this law.
The law won't change circumstances. It only gives recourse if a Transperson is mistreated. One must have the resources to take advantage of that recourse, whether that be physical, mental, spiritual or financial. I would also not be excited that my fate would rest in the hands of a judge. I have seen too many judges decide against Transfolk as an exception to the law. Sure some will benefit, but at what cost to the rest of us?
The Benjamin Standards notwithstanding, we are not the same; though I hasten to add that none is superior. Just look around the community. There are Post-Ops who consider themselves completely female, their transition over and operate within society virtually undetected and undetectable. There are those who have apparently done all they can or will do regarding their transition, live full-time as a woman, but give off several male cues, voice, hair line, or facial hair. There are those that live as both male and female because they want to, are early in their transition or don’t have a choice due to health or relationship issues. There are full-time women, who look and act like women, but are Pre-op either due to age, health or money. And there are those that pretend to be Trans because they want a relationship with a Trans woman. And this list doesn’t cover the other gender variant possibilities.
The prejudice in our own community is a reflection of the gender role expectations of the society as a whole. The occasional anomaly aside, when we’re naked, there are just two biological sexes, male and female and they have been exclusive clubs for millennia. When U.S. society thinks about this issue, they go to the locker rooms and bathrooms first thing; they want to know what is between your legs. Women don’t want penises in their locker rooms or bathrooms. Men don’t want women pretending to have a penis in their locker rooms or bathrooms. When we’re dressed and behave as expected, there are few if any issues. But give off the wrong cue and there may be trouble. A law won’t change that, at least right away, and having recourse doesn’t prevent being assaulted in the men’s room or being ostracized at work by the ladies.
Finding a solution for all Tranfolk will be hard and I am not sure I have the answer. It has to start with a leadership team. I don’t have any idea how to bring that about, except to say that I think they need to be consensus builders, not head busters. The community meeting held in July was a start, but there has been no coordinated follow-up since. As a community we need to get committed if we want to have an impact. Debates in cyberspace don’t get it done. We need to be in the real world implementing a well designed plan. As a community we are all over the place, running from one issue to another like the Keystone Cops. We need to understand what our resources are, develop goals and put together the plans to meet those goals. The plan needs to be detailed and communicated to fire up people to get involved. Most importantly, we need to make constant progress.
We also need to understand ourselves. I think the effort to call us all the same ignores the fact that we are indeed different. I understand folks like me, who are compelled to live as the opposite sex, who want to be undetectable within society’s current gender expectations and are willing to do whatever is necessary to achieve that goal. I don’t understand some of the others. In any case, we need to understand the end game for each Trans “category,” what result are they hoping to achieve and design a strategy around that. No doubt some elements of those strategies will overlap and we can take advantage of that where it occurs.
I think our long term plan has to be changing hearts and minds. In addition to the one on one work many Transfolk do, we need to do large scale education to gain sympathy, tolerance, acceptance, and love. Stuff like the Banco Provincia commercial. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wu7nKR0t5zQ Such a campaign could be used to showcase the various Trans groups to emphasize our similarities instead of our differences, demonstrating that even the hairy legged dude in a skirt is just another person.
Here is where I go way off the beaten path. Short term, I would like to see us break away from the Gay community and focus on Transsexuals, those that want to live full-time as the opposite sex. I think the standards for transition need to much harder and much more realistic. I would like to see a standardized, nationwide transition policy that TEMPORARILY protects those that decide to transition while it establishes unified procedures to facilitate the change.
I see such a policy protecting the Transperson’s job, home and assets; forbidding discrimination on the basis of transition during the transition; requiring the medical community to establish detailed education materials, certifications for staff, and detailed care instructions; requiring the Transperson to declare a “default” biological sex and confirm their desire to identify in the gender role most closely associated with that sex; requiring the individual to have an assessment of what lay ahead for them and a realistic appraisal of their ability to assimilate in their target sex; building in safeguards to ensure the person is on the correct path and is committed to whatever is necessary to make the change; have a time limit for transition to occur and provide for certified exceptions to the policy for health reasons that may prevent a “complete” sex change. At some point, the transition ends and for all intents and purposes, you are your target sex, the transition protections end and you have to make your way in the world just like everyone else.
To me, something like this embodies empowerment. There is some assistance offered, something akin to the GI Bill that helped me pay for school, but the rest is up to us. We succeed or fail based on our commitment and level of effort and if we do fail, there is no one to blame but ourselves. “Pure” empowerment comes from within, from our internal “grit” and determination. The kind of empowerment I want comes from respect for myself; a respect that drives me forward to become who I want to be.
If that respect is not there, if the commitment to change is weak, then I question whether the change should be made at all. I am not sure I want laws that protect half-assed attempts or those who lack the determination to complete the journey they started and then expect me to still treat them as if they had. Each individual needs to own their transition and go into it with their eyes open. I would argue that most of us understood the price before we started and if we did, then we have no excuse for whining when it gets hard. If someone leaped before looking and is in over their head, I am certainly there to help them through, but I don’t see the need to change the rules for them. I don’t think we have the right to curse society for a standard that we knew was there before we started our transition.
At the end of the day, each of us needs to decide if the need to transition is strong enough to do it within the current environment. Do we have the discipline to obtain the resources and train ourselves to blend in with society or do we have the thick skin necessary to stand against the insults and assaults as we go up against society’s gender expectation. In either case, we need to generate empowerment within ourselves. The law doesn't keep me safe, only I and those around me can protect me. I think it's best to have society for us, not against us.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
What's in a Name?
I was at the hair salon this afternoon; a little place in Mesa that I go to with a friend from work. Clara (not her real name), the owner, is a lot of fun, has a million great stories and does my color perfectly. What she doesn't do very well is remember my name.
When Clara addresses me, about half the time she calls me "Bill." She never knew Bill, never saw Bill; my first appointment was well after I went full-time. She knows I am transitioning; my thinning hair, bald spot and struggling girl voice made it inevitable that she would find out. Still, how she can look at me with my hair plastered down with yellow goo, wearing a black, bra-less, V-neck tunic, black capri's, pink lipstick and hoop earrings and call me "Bill" is a trifle puzzling.
Clara is not the only one who calls me "Bill." I have a close friend of over 20 years who has stood beside me from day one although he doesn't understand what I am doing. When we meet for lunch I sense he has one foot outside his comfort zone ready to run, but he doesn't. He told me he is not comfortable calling me "Billie." I admit that I secretly hope "Billie" will one day be comfortable for him. Until then however, I will answer to "Bill" from this dear friend.
My Mother's boyfriend calls me "Bill" all the time. I am not sure if it's due to old age or orneriness. My two brothers are pretty good, until we start drinking and then "Billie" pretty much goes out the window. When she was alive, my sister Kate never missed, but then she called me "Billy" most of our adult lives. My kids call me Dad, but I'm not sure that counts. Hell, even my mother slips up now and again and calls me "Bill." But in fairness, as kids she would often call for one of us by shouting, "BillySteveKateAndy, get in here NOW!" It was easier than remembering whom she actually wanted.
In contrast are those that never miss; the folks that knew me as "Bill" for three, four, twenty- five years and have been able to make the transition. There are also those who never knew Bill, but know my history and address me flawlessly from the outset. Maybe it's a skill they possess, maybe they're detail people, or maybe they understand the importance of getting someone's name right.
I am not good with names, but I am pretty sure I don't bounce back and forth between "Clara" and "Clarence" while my obviously female hairdresser blows out my cut. This is a phenomenon that seems unique to the Transgender Community and the non-trans folks we interact with. I want to be sensitive to those that are taking this journey with me, give them time to adjust and let it sink in that my name is different. I must admit however, the longer it takes my non-trans colleagues to get my name right, the more annoyed I get and the more I suspect there is more to it than a slow adjustment.
Don't get me wrong, I don't expect non-trans folks to understand the significance of the name change to us within the community. That wouldn't be fair. Most are simply unaware of the joy we feel, the sense of accomplishment it brings and how it helps us identify to the world who we have been all our lives. How sweet it is the first time you hear yourself called by "your" name!
So what is in a name? For us in the Trans community it represents a new life, a true life and life wholly our own. Maybe it's a little unreasonable to insist that our non-trans friends adapt quickly in this area, but it is important. This rose does not go by any other name; my name is Billie and I will be grateful if you will remember that.
Love always,
Billie
When Clara addresses me, about half the time she calls me "Bill." She never knew Bill, never saw Bill; my first appointment was well after I went full-time. She knows I am transitioning; my thinning hair, bald spot and struggling girl voice made it inevitable that she would find out. Still, how she can look at me with my hair plastered down with yellow goo, wearing a black, bra-less, V-neck tunic, black capri's, pink lipstick and hoop earrings and call me "Bill" is a trifle puzzling.
Clara is not the only one who calls me "Bill." I have a close friend of over 20 years who has stood beside me from day one although he doesn't understand what I am doing. When we meet for lunch I sense he has one foot outside his comfort zone ready to run, but he doesn't. He told me he is not comfortable calling me "Billie." I admit that I secretly hope "Billie" will one day be comfortable for him. Until then however, I will answer to "Bill" from this dear friend.
My Mother's boyfriend calls me "Bill" all the time. I am not sure if it's due to old age or orneriness. My two brothers are pretty good, until we start drinking and then "Billie" pretty much goes out the window. When she was alive, my sister Kate never missed, but then she called me "Billy" most of our adult lives. My kids call me Dad, but I'm not sure that counts. Hell, even my mother slips up now and again and calls me "Bill." But in fairness, as kids she would often call for one of us by shouting, "BillySteveKateAndy, get in here NOW!" It was easier than remembering whom she actually wanted.
In contrast are those that never miss; the folks that knew me as "Bill" for three, four, twenty- five years and have been able to make the transition. There are also those who never knew Bill, but know my history and address me flawlessly from the outset. Maybe it's a skill they possess, maybe they're detail people, or maybe they understand the importance of getting someone's name right.
I am not good with names, but I am pretty sure I don't bounce back and forth between "Clara" and "Clarence" while my obviously female hairdresser blows out my cut. This is a phenomenon that seems unique to the Transgender Community and the non-trans folks we interact with. I want to be sensitive to those that are taking this journey with me, give them time to adjust and let it sink in that my name is different. I must admit however, the longer it takes my non-trans colleagues to get my name right, the more annoyed I get and the more I suspect there is more to it than a slow adjustment.
Don't get me wrong, I don't expect non-trans folks to understand the significance of the name change to us within the community. That wouldn't be fair. Most are simply unaware of the joy we feel, the sense of accomplishment it brings and how it helps us identify to the world who we have been all our lives. How sweet it is the first time you hear yourself called by "your" name!
So what is in a name? For us in the Trans community it represents a new life, a true life and life wholly our own. Maybe it's a little unreasonable to insist that our non-trans friends adapt quickly in this area, but it is important. This rose does not go by any other name; my name is Billie and I will be grateful if you will remember that.
Love always,
Billie
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