I was at the hair salon this afternoon; a little place in Mesa that I go to with a friend from work. Clara (not her real name), the owner, is a lot of fun, has a million great stories and does my color perfectly. What she doesn't do very well is remember my name.
When Clara addresses me, about half the time she calls me "Bill." She never knew Bill, never saw Bill; my first appointment was well after I went full-time. She knows I am transitioning; my thinning hair, bald spot and struggling girl voice made it inevitable that she would find out. Still, how she can look at me with my hair plastered down with yellow goo, wearing a black, bra-less, V-neck tunic, black capri's, pink lipstick and hoop earrings and call me "Bill" is a trifle puzzling.
Clara is not the only one who calls me "Bill." I have a close friend of over 20 years who has stood beside me from day one although he doesn't understand what I am doing. When we meet for lunch I sense he has one foot outside his comfort zone ready to run, but he doesn't. He told me he is not comfortable calling me "Billie." I admit that I secretly hope "Billie" will one day be comfortable for him. Until then however, I will answer to "Bill" from this dear friend.
My Mother's boyfriend calls me "Bill" all the time. I am not sure if it's due to old age or orneriness. My two brothers are pretty good, until we start drinking and then "Billie" pretty much goes out the window. When she was alive, my sister Kate never missed, but then she called me "Billy" most of our adult lives. My kids call me Dad, but I'm not sure that counts. Hell, even my mother slips up now and again and calls me "Bill." But in fairness, as kids she would often call for one of us by shouting, "BillySteveKateAndy, get in here NOW!" It was easier than remembering whom she actually wanted.
In contrast are those that never miss; the folks that knew me as "Bill" for three, four, twenty- five years and have been able to make the transition. There are also those who never knew Bill, but know my history and address me flawlessly from the outset. Maybe it's a skill they possess, maybe they're detail people, or maybe they understand the importance of getting someone's name right.
I am not good with names, but I am pretty sure I don't bounce back and forth between "Clara" and "Clarence" while my obviously female hairdresser blows out my cut. This is a phenomenon that seems unique to the Transgender Community and the non-trans folks we interact with. I want to be sensitive to those that are taking this journey with me, give them time to adjust and let it sink in that my name is different. I must admit however, the longer it takes my non-trans colleagues to get my name right, the more annoyed I get and the more I suspect there is more to it than a slow adjustment.
Don't get me wrong, I don't expect non-trans folks to understand the significance of the name change to us within the community. That wouldn't be fair. Most are simply unaware of the joy we feel, the sense of accomplishment it brings and how it helps us identify to the world who we have been all our lives. How sweet it is the first time you hear yourself called by "your" name!
So what is in a name? For us in the Trans community it represents a new life, a true life and life wholly our own. Maybe it's a little unreasonable to insist that our non-trans friends adapt quickly in this area, but it is important. This rose does not go by any other name; my name is Billie and I will be grateful if you will remember that.
Love always,
Billie
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Great post Billie! I admit I get annoyed when people slip and call Michelle, Mike...thankfully it doesnt happen much...What does happen more often and annoys the heck out of me is when they call her "he"...I maybe understand when they knew Mike...but if they didn't know Mike before...really, he? don't think it's just me but does Michelle look like a he? Well, bottom line, it is interesting that our names are our identity..and you have every right to be annoyed at people who don't don't make an effort to use it! Always Billie to me! Lisa
ReplyDeleteThanks Lisa. Jen was talking about blind earlier. Calling Michelle a "he" is blind indeed!!
ReplyDeleteBillie, we deserve respect, which includes being addressed by the correct name and with appropriate pronouns and honorifics ("Ms.," "Mr." "Sir," "Ma'am," etc). I do not let any misuse to pass uncorrected. I politely interrupt, give them the correct wording and refuse to continue with the conversation or other interaction until they get it right. If they continue to resist, I take whatever steps are necessary obtain the respect I deserve, including complaining to supervisors. We are not being impolite to insist on respect. People need to know that it is a big deal to be disrespected in that way.
ReplyDeleteA little late on this one, but I'd like to comment to Abby. Abby, I don't know you, but I just thought I'd share from the other side. I can understand your response if the person is just being ornery or 'in-your-face', but I hope that you give some degree of understanding to those that you know who are still struggling with the change. I do not think it is an issue of respect when it comes to them. I have known Billy for well over a dozen years. When we had a conversation about this, by comment was, "I knew and cared for Bill, I'm not sure if I know who Billie is, but I hope some of the same person I cared about is still there." Billie's response was to say that the timing of transition was optional but not for those who know him - they got no choice, no preparation, and had to deal with it on the fly. I still struggle with thinking of Bill or Billie and pronouns become a difficult depending on past, present, or future tense. It is very easy to become militant on this sort of thing, but if Billie's response to me had been as you described, I think it probably would have ended future discussion or understanding. Please understand that this comes from the heart and from struggle with this as an issue that came out of nowhere. I will say one final thing...respect must be earned, not demanded. If a person's supervisor has to correct them, then you haven't changed anything, nor earned their respect. Just a thought.
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