Vaya Con Dios

I saw something today that delivered a right cross square on my jaw and knocked me lower than the Dead Sea. I have been in an emotional nose dive for a couple of weeks now, so it only took a moment for this to speed the descent.

It should not have affected me so. My reaction was most probably an over-reaction. There is no knowing if malice was intended. Maybe it wasn’t because I had decided to live as a woman, but a dozen other, unrelated reasons. Perhaps it was expediency, maybe forgetfulness or perhaps I had misjudged this person all along. Only the author of the deed knows for sure. Still, it got to me.

It’s been three years since I came out. It is unfortunate that we live in a society and time that is filled with mistrust and hate. It was mistrust and hate I feared enough that I kept to myself. It is mistrust and fear that drive some to call me liar and fraud. The best among us seek to bridge that divide. I have done what I can with the rest.

The past is hard to cut loose; especially when the events, places and people hold special meaning. I have wanted to restore the damaged relationships so those memories might be shared. But my decision brought out the disease in some of those people and it is time for me to move on; for my own good, for my own wellness. I can do nothing with them or for them. As it is, a restoration was only important to me thus my departure won’t even be noticed.

These people are no more or less flawed than I. I do not condemn them. I have simply come to the point where I have no use for them and no need of them.

Good-bye

Billie

A Good Cry

It still startles me when I experience a sudden emotional rush. You know, like when you stop by the grocery store after work, just for a few things and you’re debating the value of paying $14.99 for a pair of tongs because they have pink tips and all-of-the sudden without any warning whatsoever, you burst into tears. It’s a gusher of emotion rising from your gut so fast the tears are running down your cheeks before you even know you’re crying. You barely stifle the audible wail, but there is no concealing the deep, deep sobbing.

It’s turn-toward-the-display crying while you dig through your purse for a tissue and in your mind you’re screaming wtf, wtF, WTF!! Dab a cheek, dab another cheek, blow the nose, follow-on eruption and the flow begins again. “Where in the hell is this coming from??” Digging for a dry tissue, a quick survey to see if anyone is staring. Thank God, no. “Get a hold of yourself, girl.” Dab a cheek, dab another cheek, blow the nose take a breath; another breath and then two more. You begin to move again, eyes down because you know your mascara is a mess and your eyes are all red. The search begins.

Maybe it’s because 21 years ago today my Dad died. Or that a week from Sunday it will be two years since my baby sister died. I miss them. I miss all my family.

Could it be I’m tired of watching my friends getting kicked to the curb by their “loved ones?” Or the gossip and backstabbing that goes on in the so-called “community” of Transfolk?

Could be the job; it changed recently and won’t be nearly as much fun as before. People are already saying that I am not my “old self.”

Perhaps it’s the constant battle with food. Every waking minute of every day all I do is fight the urge to eat. I’m fat, out-of-shape, fighting an infection and ragweed is in bloom. Could be.

Maybe it’s all of the above; I really don’t know. I guess you don’t need a reason to cry do you?

I can tell you this; I’m going to make a cup of tea, pull out the guitar and sing sad songs.

And have a good cry.

Anyone got a tissue?

Take Care,
Billie

I don’t write on Transgender topics very much anymore. I live my life as a woman these days. Nonetheless, I did go through a transition; a phase where I changed the life I lived in the “real” world to match the life I had always lived in my heart and in my mind’s eye, Fortunately, there were many, many people who did everything they could to make that change a wonderful experience.

This past weekend was an anniversary of sorts. I began my transition on the first weekend in August, 2007. But the reason for my nostalgia is the announcement I received at work that “Jack” was beginning a new life as “Jill” (not the real names) effective July 27th. It is a time of joy and celebration in the office, as it was with my announcement. It has always amazed me that a group of relative strangers, my coworkers, have consistently been so loving, so accepting and so supportive.

I am obligated to say that I am not an official spokeswoman for “MyCo.” These are my thoughts alone. Though many that read this know where I work, I do not have permission to name the company, so I won’t. Still, their efforts should be applauded. My transition at MyCo remains one of the best experiences of my life.

MyCo’s culture is one that prizes diversity and the right of employees to make personal decisions in their lives. Diversity expands our thinking and fosters innovation. MyCo believes that our work environment should be safe and healthy, free from harassment, intimidation and discrimination. Knowing not everyone will make the same personal choices, MyCo doesn’t ask those who disagree to change their beliefs, but simply be courteous, respectful and professional. I have yet to have a single negative experience at MyCo since my transition. I wish I could say the same for the rest of my world.

I transitioned from Bill to Billie at MyCo in April, 2008 after three and a half months of preparation. In addition to my manager, there was a team of people from Human Resources, Legal, Security, Benefits, and Occupational Health. People from each of these departments were tasked to find and solve any issues that might come up in my transition as well as figure out how to let everyone know what was going on.

April 7th, Executive Management was informed and my HR records were updated to my new name and gender. April 8th, I met face-to-face with the individuals I was closest to. April 9th my e-mail address was changed and over 450 e-mails were sent announcing that “Bill McReynolds will take the name of Billie McReynolds as she transitions from male to female.” April 10th I got my new ID badge and April 14th, after 15 years at MyCo, Billie reported for her first day at work. I have included the photo taken to commemorate the event.

I received abundant e-mails and personal visits for days afterward. They not only expressed congratulations to me, but pride that we worked for a company that would go to such extraordinary lengths for a single employee, one out of thousands. With Jill’s announcement I was reminded of how wonderful it felt to walk those familiar aisles as Billie. Nothing else was changed; I sat in the same cubical, belonged to the same teams, worked with the same people and they were all able to make the transition with me. I am still amazed by that and still hold that sense of pride in MyCo.

Congratulations Jill; I know your experience will be every bit as wonderful as mine.

Take Care,
Billie