The Good, the Bad and the Androgynous – 09-23-2009

The Androgynous – I did learn a couple of things on the trip to Denver. It is important for me to enhance every female “cue” I can. At a minimum, I need to choose feminine clothing, wear a touch of mascara and always, always put on lipstick. These simple things go a long way toward countering my male cues. The more androgynous my appearance through ambiguous clothing or no make-up, the easier it is to read my “Trans Badge.”

The Bad – Fear, real honest to goodness fear made for a restless Tuesday night. I have travelled alone before, slept in my vehicle at rest stops many times and was never concerned. I wasn’t a woman either.

I found I was really nervous that the windows were not covered, so someone could see in. I was startled at the slightest noise. (It is amazing how much noise a vehicle makes cooling down after hours and hours on the road.) :) I was constantly looking around, checking the mirrors and watching where all incoming vehicles wound up. All of this vigilance took place while gripping a loaded revolver. Thankfully, I did get some sleep. However, I need to improve my security for sleeping "al fresco."

The Good – After my restless night, I decided I wanted a good, sit-down breakfast. I stopped at the Denny’s in Tucumcari. I got the breakfast I needed as well as a big boost to my confidence!!

I was wearing my signature color; pink capris, a pink top, flats, not running shoes, and pink pearl earrings. I brushed my hair before I left the van, had on a touch of mascara and pink lipstick. While I was eating, I ate as I have seen my girlfriends eat; small bites and placing my utensils on the plate between bites. I picked up my book from time to time, showing indifference toward the food for a moment, then back to eating. I was being “dainty,” at least as dainty as a 400 pound woman can be. :) (This is also a good practice to guard against overeating!)

Half a dozen people came in. We exchanged glances, a smile, a nod or a “Good Morning;” it was all quite ordinary. Even the three construction workers who sat next to me looked me over with the indifference only a middle aged woman could engender. I loved it; kind smiles and acknowledgments toward the nice lady, nothing more.

I pondered why this is so important to me. I concluded that it is no different than many of my born-female friends. They control the environment around them; improve their safety and security by avoiding undue attention, by not dressing or acting provocatively and by presenting themselves in what they describe as a “lady-like” manner. They hold to a standard of public behavior passed down from their Mothers that says there is a difference between being a woman and being a lady and being a lady is preferable.

Perhaps if I were born Jennifer Love Hewitt or Cameron Diaz, I would think differently. But I am a woman born man whose grip on femininity is tentative at best. Society’s fear and misunderstanding of people like me complicates matters because it is impossible to know how someone will react if they scratch my surface and find a past they did not expect. The best way for me to protect myself, protect people like me, is to be what others expect a middle-aged woman to be.

And to act like lady.