My transition story isn’t much different than anyone else’s; I had two roles, the hidden female role and the male role, which was visible to the world. After nearly 18 months of living full-time as a woman, I find to my horror that I still have two roles and the dream of finding peace in my life will likely escape me.
The visible role has changed, I am no longer living as a male. I spend my days as a woman and enjoy that life immensely. In this sense, my dream has come true. I love being Billie and any doubts about making that change have long evaporated.
The other role brings far less pleasure, the role of Transsexual. Before I started this journey, I thought I would be transitioning from one sex to the other. It did not occur to me that the transition would never end. I knew I would never be “born woman,” but I thought that between medical science, training, practice and the courts, my male past would only be visible to those to whom I revealed it. With a body that matched both my mind’s eye and the paperwork, I would be as close to born woman as one can get. Transition complete.
Now I find the only way to achieve that end is to do something I find equally distasteful; cut off all contact with the Trans community. Abandon those that have helped me, those that I could help, and those that are lost in their own struggle. I can’t do it; yet I hate wearing this label and I hate even more the need some have to ensure the world knows I am wearing it.
I didn’t like being Bill, but it was a role I had mastered. Although there was always a danger that my secret life as Billie would be discovered, at least I didn’t have anyone actively trying to out me. Maybe I was better off than I thought.
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I am not sure what it is I want to share with you other than I can only imagine your pain. Nothing is ever simple is it? You have given up a lot to gain something that has no promises. Billie, think back to other 'situations' during your life when you have aligned yourself with something in order to grow. Remember high school graduation? After you walked across that stage did you celebrate with friends and wonder how you could leave them to go on to the next stage of your life? Did you go to a church that fed you spiritually and helped you grow as a Christian? Did you wonder as you left it if you would ever find another that would offer you as much? You moved on...you survived. You weren't known forever as a graduate of (blank) high school, or a member/leader of (blank) church. They each served their purpose for the time needed. They weren't easy to leave, but moving forward you can be thankful you were there, even for a bit....then onward and upward.
ReplyDeleteYou are only defined as a member of the 'trans' community as long as you accept it. You are the one that makes it so. Maybe it is once again time for 'onward and upward'. Choose yourself what and who you are...we will all follow suit.
Love you for who you are.........Sandi