Spousal Support - A Comment on "Where Art Thou Support for Spouse?" by Lori D

On her blog, "a T Revival," Lori D posted a note titled, "Where Art Thou Support for Spouse?" She garnered a lot of comments and I thought I would share some of my own.

I think anyone who wants support should be able to get it. Whether support for family members should come out of the Trans* community is debatable and I am not going to deal with that here. And that's because I think the need for spousal and family counseling will all but disappear as it is a need unique to older Transfolk such as I.

What need there may be for family counseling is born from the fact that when we were making life decisions in our teens and twenties there was no one there to counsel us. Thus, we made our decisions based on the configuration of our bodies, not our minds and those decisions set off a cascade of issues and unhappiness extending far beyond ourselves. It was inevitable we would need to face the truth and its repercussions, though we refused to acknowledge it until it became a matter of life or death. By that time in our lives, hurting the ones we loved the most became inevitable as well.

Thank God things are different today. Information on Gender Identity Disorder is abundant and instantly available. Organizations such as Trans Youth Family Allies and Parents, Families and Friends of Gays and Lesbians are providing education and assistance that make it easier and safer to explore, understand, find and follow one's true self. Perhaps of greater significance is the "old guard" is dying off being replaced by younger generations that do not share their judgmental phobias and hatred. The end result of all this will hopefully be better life decisions and less collateral damage.

I think if we were open and honest with each other, we would find that most "Trans* Spouses" knew a hell of a lot more about what was going on in their marriage then they were willing to admit. That they had plenty of opportunities to demonstrate that the love they had for their spouse was greater than the problem before them. But when they went looking for that love, it wasn't there, it never had been. No amount of counseling can create love, especially a love willing to sacrifice for another. When I see a couple still together after transition, I thank God, because it is a rare and beautiful thing to behold.

Take Care
Billie